humour?

[forumAdmin]

Hi all

thought I'd start us off

-----------------------------------
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
\"Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am.\"

The woman below replied, \"You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.\"
\"You must be an Engineer,\" said the balloonist.
\"I am,\" replied the woman, \"How did you know?\"
\"Well,\" answered the balloonist, \"everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip.\"

The woman below responded, \"You must be in Management.\"
\"I am,\" replied the balloonist, \"but how did you know?\"
\"Well,\" said the woman, \"you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault\"
-------------------------------

[forumAdmin]

For those among us old enough to remember when English History was a compulsory subject at state grammer schools this year you will recall is the 200th anniversary of the battle of Trafalger in which Admiral Lord Nelson was killed.

I am sure everyone recalls his famous signal to the fleet \"England expects every man to do his duty\", and also his last words to Captain Hardy as he lay mortally wounded on the deck of HMS Victory.

My colleagues who earn their livings advising businesses on emplyment law and health & safety have come up with an up to date version of the conversation between Hardy & Nelson as they paced the deck as Victory went to battle.

Nelson: \"Order the signal, Hardy.\"
Hardy: \"Aye, aye sir.\"
Nelson: \"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?\"
Hardy: \"Sorry sir?\"
Nelson (reading aloud): \"England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, ***ual orientation, religious persuasion or disability\". \"What gobbledygook is this?\"
Hardy: \"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.\"
Nelson: \"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.\"
Hardy: \"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments.\"
Nelson: \"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.\"
Hardy: \"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.\"
Nelson: \"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it,
...full speed ahead.\"
Hardy: \"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water.\"
Nelson: \"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.\"
Hardy: \"That won't be possible, sir.\"
Nelson: \"What?\"
Hardy: \"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.\"
Nelson: \"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.\"
Hardy: \"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral.\"
Nelson: \"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.\"
Hardy: \"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.\"
Nelson: \"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.\"
Hardy: \"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.\"
Nelson: \"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.\"
Hardy: \"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?\"
Nelson: \"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.\"
Hardy: \"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.\"
Nelson: \"What? This is mutiny.\"
Hardy: \"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.\"
Nelson: \"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?\"
Hardy: \"Actually, sir, we're not.\"
Nelson: \"We're not?\"
Hardy: \"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.\"
Nelson: \"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.\"
Hardy: \"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.\"
Nelson: \"You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King.\"
Hardy: \"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life\"
Nelson: \"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?\"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.\"
Nelson: \"What about sodomy?\"
Hardy: \"I believe that is now legal, sir.\"
Nelson: \"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy.

[forumAdmin]

Hi everyone an old one but still works.

This is a transcript of a radio conversation between a US
naval ship and Canadian Authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.


Canadians: Please divert your course fifteen degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.


Americans: Recommend you divert your course fifteen degrees
to the north to avoid a collision.


Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
fifteen degrees south to avoid a collision.


Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert your course.


Canadians: No. I say again divert your course.


Americans: This is the U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest
ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied
by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support
vessels. I demand that you change your course fifteen degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure
the safety of this ship!


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. You decide

[bethr]

I was actually sent a video/audio clip of this joke, will mail it to you!!

Beth x

[steveg]

What do donkeys at Scarbough get for their lunch?



30 minutes

:D

[forumAdmin]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a
small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for
Saturday.

[forumAdmin]

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal:

If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven."

They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on.

One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.

Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday."

[forumAdmin]

The Gender Gap

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw ina $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[anon_e-mouse]

for balance...


How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
***.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[forumAdmin]

:-P its only funny cos its true!!

[forumAdmin]

A man comes home from from work, turns on the TV, flops on the sofa and shouts to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts!".

She's a bit put out by this but goes and gets him a beer.

He swigs the beer down and shouts to his wife, "It's about to start, get me another beer!".

She's really blazing now but swallows it down and gets her husband another beer.

He chugs the beer down in one again and shouts, "It'll start any second now, get me another beer!".

His wife blows up at this and berates him for flying in without even saying hello and demanding a beer. She gives him a full run down of how busy she's been all day and nobody is running round after her.

"Oh no", says the husband, "It's started!"


----------------------
In anticipation of anon_e-mouse's response
please see that this is a negative about men - not women........

[forumAdmin]

A couple were golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had *** with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

[forumAdmin]

THREE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

____________________________________

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Management Lesson:

Bull sxxx might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
_____________________________________
Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sxxx is your friend.

(3) And when you're nose in deep sxxx, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the three minute management course.

[anon_e-mouse]

A married couple go to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy. As the woman goes into labour, the doctor sets the machine to 10 per cent and asks the man if it hurts.
"No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all. The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Lancet, while the couple take their baby home.
On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.

[anon_e-mouse]

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to the doctor where he is told the illness is quite serious but can be cured by a small course of 2 suppositories inserted deep up his back passage.
The doctor then tells the man to bend over whilst he shoves the first one all the way up. The Doc then tells the man to repeat in 6 hours time.
At home 6 hours later, he can't do it himself so asks his wife to help. After telling her what to do, she nods, and puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves really hard. The man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter," asks the wife, "Did I hurt you ?"
"No," replies the man, "but I've just realised that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders."

[anon_e-mouse]

just for you forum admin...

There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, ''Where are you hurting?''
She said, ''Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!''


The doctor laughed and said, ''What you've got is a broken index finger!"

But....
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the Woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

[anon_e-mouse]

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

[forumAdmin]

the 11 people on a rope I saw a few days ago but I am glad you put it up I thought it was fab.

I wonder if the content is getting questionable with the
"both hands on my shoulders" joke................

[anon_e-mouse]

You have the power....
I will await with interest to see where the line is on taste and decency, offend all or only some...;)
it made me laugh.

[forumAdmin]

This is obviously just copied and is said to be about the UK
I did hear that it might have been the US not us

so I am putting it in Humour but
what if it was here in the UK??

Subject: Unbelievable!
>
> Can you imagine working for (or investing your hard earned cash in) a
> company that has a little over 500 employees and has the following
> statistics ??
>
> 29 have been accused of spouse abuse
> 7 have been arrested for fraud
> 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
> 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
> 3 have done time for assault
> 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
> 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
> 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
> 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
> 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
>
>
> So, can you guess which organization this is?
>
> That's right. It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament.
> The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year
> designed to keep the rest of us in line. Democracy eh?
>
> And we are supposed to be the wrong 'uns!!!!

[forumAdmin]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.
Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that? asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him?" she asks.
No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
Yes," comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[forumAdmin]

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard
walks past and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have
a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him
to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking
a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain
forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[forumAdmin]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too..
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[forumAdmin]

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was p******.

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

The house is empty when you're not here,
but prefer it when you're not my dear.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace, but don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime!

[steveg]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild ***, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having *** all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

"You lying b#st#rd! You've been playing golf!"

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" T

he wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery.

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician,"but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue,

"Eat something. I stood like an pratt at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a bloody glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 penny."

"One Penny?" exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes."

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 pence," the bartender replied.

"Four Pence?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

;)

[forumAdmin]

THE IRISH CANDLE STORY

>>Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell
>> Street in Dublin when she met
>> up with Father Flaherty.
>> The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!
>> Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
>>and
>> didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years
>> ago?"
>> She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
>> The Father asked, "And be there any wee
>> little ones yet?" !
>> She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
>> The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome
>> next week and I'll
>>light a
>> candle for ye and yer
>>husband."
>> She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They
>> then parted ways.
>> Some years later they met again. The Father
>> asked, "Well now, Mrs.
>> Donovan, how are ye thesedays?"
>> She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
>> The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any
>> wee ones yet?"
>> She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of
>> twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
>> The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is
>> yer loving husband doing?"
She replied,
"E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin 'candle!"

[simonfinney]

The driver had just finnished putting the bags in the boot of the limo out side JFK when he looked up and noticed his client the 'Pope' standing on the curb lokking thoughtful.

"arn't you getting in" the driver said.

"well to tell you the truth they never let me drive in the vatican and i was wondering if it would be possible to take your place and drive now, i'll make it worth your while".

"ok" said the driver and got in the back while the supreme pontif got behind the wheel.

Soon the driver was regreting his discision as the Pope was speeding and driving like a man possesed!!

Sure enough it was'nt long before the blue and red lights were flashing in the rear window and the supreme pontif pulls over.

The police officer gets out and has a look before getting on his radio. He ask's for his superiour.

"Sir i have a problem" he say's "I have pulled someone for speeding and i don't know what to do".

"Book him" his boss say's.

"Well they are important, are you sure" say's the police officer.

"Are the the govener" ask's the boss.

"Higher" say's the police officer.

"A Congressman?" ask's the boss.

"Higher" say's the officer.

"A Senitor?" ask's the boss.

"Higher" say's the officer.

"Who is it" ask's the boss.

"Jesus" replies the officer.

"How do you know it is Jesus" ask's the boss.

"well he has the Pope for a driver" say's the officer.

[steveg]

Simon

That the best joke i've seen in ages, thank you

:) :) :)

[simonfinney]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

[nikkij]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament,
suggested he use the attendants' ladies room but
cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

When he arrived in the attendants' ladies room, next to the paper roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and
immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!" So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[nikkij]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is adescription of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1
- These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads Floor 4
-These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love ***.

The second floor has wives that love *** and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been
visited.

Enough said ???